Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
