I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
