They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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