Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
