she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
