His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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