Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
