my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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