Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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