Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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