dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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