Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
