Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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