just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
