I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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