It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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