i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
