I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
