I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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