In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize