This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
