I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
