Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
