If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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