But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
