im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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