cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
