wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
