i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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