i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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