My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
