I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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