I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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