if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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