I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
