the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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