stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
