The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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