the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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