So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
