If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
