you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
Randomize
