the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
