It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
