I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize