I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
