I just threw up on my dentist
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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