it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
