If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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