in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
