i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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