Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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