she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
