You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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