I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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