pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
