My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
