just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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