He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
