I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
