I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's the barista slut.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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