a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
