I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You need Xanax blowdarts
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
