Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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