Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
