I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
