i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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