You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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