U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
