i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
